While you are certainly not the first parent to ask this question, fortunately the resounding answer is “No!” All the research indicates that the opposite is true. Not only are children whose parents talk to them about healthy sexuality less likely to be promiscuous, there are a number of other wonderful effects. Let’s talk about why. Whether or not children let on, your opinion as a parent is invaluable. Your values and connection with them is a commodity they crave. They instinctively look to you for truth and guidance. And if you can impart those values in a calm and non-judgmental way, they will absorb it.
One analogy I like to use with parents is to tell them to imagine that they live in an inner-city rife with drug dealers. Imagine you can see them out your window. Now imagine sending your children out the door every day for school and never talking to them about drugs. Sending them out the door hoping and praying they never become addicted to drugs. The scenario is unthinkable. None of us would ever do that. Apply this scenario to pornography, which not only lurks outside our homes, but often enters our homes, despite our best efforts, through the TV, internet, and other devices. It is equally unthinkable a situation to simply hope and pray our children will not be influenced by the unhealthy sexual messages they see around them.
This page is a good place to emphasize your child’s connection to God and God’s love for them. It also emphasizes their connection to truth, which connects them to God. It helps them to see how truth brings happiness, peace, and God’s presence in their hearts.
Some parents struggle with saying that God, or they, are happy when children make good choices. They may feel that putting the label “good” on something feels shame inducing, or that if God/parents are happy if children make good choices then that means they’re not happy or loving if children make choices parent’s/God don’t believe are good. God and truth are unchanging and the results from making choices that are in alignment with God’s truth always bring peace. Can a message be sent that God/parents don’t love us if we make “bad choices”? Absolutely. How can that be avoided? Talk about it! Clarify over and over.
These pages are a key part of this book. All children are exposed to things. Many children have things happen to them. Most children don’t talk to their parents. Why? They feel fear, shame, and have no idea how the conversation is going to go. These pages tell children exactly how that safe conversation is going to go and set it all up ahead of time so children know exactly what to expect. This is done by simultaneously teaching both children and parents what to do. Children then know how to approach their parents, and their parents know how to respond in a way that will invite safety and reduce shame and fear. Because the point of the book is to initiate and continue conversations about healthy sexuality, creating a safe space to have those discussions is paramount and that takes work on both sides of the relationship.
Things you may choose to say to your child when they come to you:
The one area of sexual abuse that is not covered by this book is parent on child abuse. While this could be considered a flaw, the purpose of this book is to develop a pattern of healthy conversations between parents and children around sexuality. After much deliberation trying to cover everything, it was important to stick with the intent of the book. In some instances children told simply to tell “a trusted adult,” did so, and because of the dismissive or shaming attitude of that adult, the child chose not to tell a parent and the parents could not take necessary steps to protect their child, or help them through the healing process. Further, it is less likely that parents choosing to engage in parent-child abuse will be interested in this book and its purpose, and any spouse or grandparent can always clarify in those sections (as in all sections) what they want the child to take-away: come tell ME, or add “a trusted adult” and give examples or ask for examples from the child. This helpful follow-up discussion question is found in the back of the book:
The one area of healthy sexuality that is not addressed specifically in this book is is the names of body parts. This is an important aspect of healthy sexuality that parents have the opportunity to introduce separately from the text of this book. If you have not already done so, these pages are a good place to introduce the various sexual organs of the body including penis, testicles, breasts, and vulva (not vagina, as that is not a visible part of the female body, although if you want to explain where the vagina is inside that is fine). If you feel uncomfortable saying these words, practice ahead of time so you can be comfortable and send appropriate non-verbal messages about body parts. (Appropriate non-verbal messages are that these parts of the body are just like other body parts. They exist. And they are pretty amazing in their function just like any other part of the body. As you speak about them, treat them as you would an arm or toe). Children should be able to correctly identify their body parts without shame or confusion. This is an important conversation to have before discussions of sexual abuse.
Once you have addressed and are comfortable with names of sexual body parts, you can have more detailed and accurate discussions of sexual abuse. Some of those discussion options are listed below:
Has anyone asked you to show them your, or has shown you their [penis, vulva, breasts, etc.]? Get the whole story, a little bit at a time, as they’re ready to talk and feel comfortable. Often children will share small amounts to see your reaction, so if you sense something more, gently probe for more details, even if it is over time.
Modest dress can be a heated topic among adults, and that is why it is addressed so carefully in this book. Everything is left to parents to determine. Parents decide their family values and implement them through the discussions that are introduced on these pages.
The central focus is that modest dress shows and invites respect for myself. A lot of parents have the experience of teaching their children about their family’s standards of modest dress just to feel some embarrassment as the children pointing out with fingers and loud voices when they see others dressed in ways that their family would not consider modest. There is a good question and discussion in the back of the book that helps parents have preemptive conversations about this.
Did you know that modest clothing is different based on what you are doing? Because modest clothing is about showing and inviting respect for myself, it will change based on where you are and what you are doing. Would you wear a swimsuit to school? Would you wear a leotard and tights to church? (Use other silly examples).
So what is modest clothing in our family for church? School? Play? Different kinds of exercise? Swimming?
Just as the initial pages of this book about body appreciation and body care are the foundation for healthy sexuality, this page teaches the foundational principle around prevention of sexual coercion. The concept that my body is my own and I have a right to determine how others interact physically with me is key to standing up for oneself and not being victimized. This may end up making changes in your family dynamics around physical affection. It certainly did in my family when I realized the subtle messages that were, or could be, sent to my children. Some of the messages in these examples may initially feel extreme, but is is the consistent subtle messages that give children the underlying foundation for how they live their lives. Every message counts.
Make a family plan of how to respond when a child doesn’t want to physically engage with someone else. What should they say? What should they do? Can they come find you and talk to you about it if someone is persistent?
Have a family discussion about the culture in your family. Is there anything you want to change? We simply started repeating to our children, especially in their interactions with each other, “I get to choose who touches me.” This reminded them of this concept when they were poking each other to be annoying, wrestling without consent, etc.
Page 16 helps teach children at an early age about appropriate responses to peer pressure.
Has anyone ever said something, or showed something, to you that was not modest? What happened? Did you know what to do?
Role play situations in which they might be exposed to something in front of, with, or by friends/other children. How can they respond? What would they do if others made fun of them? Help them to develop a plan. Situations may include the following, and should be varied to include being with friends, acquaintances, bullies, really popular kids, older kids, etc.:
Have conversations about being a good example and helping others to make good choices. But always help them recognize that others get to make their own choices, and that if others don’t want to change their actions, [in our family] we choose to be modest by leaving, moving somewhere else, etc. Making it a family decision helps with accountability and solidarity. Give examples of when you have, or have not, made modest choices in similar circumstances and what you would want to do differently in the future.
These two pages introduce the topics of pornography and other sexual content—written or heard. The great thing about this is that parents can decide when to introduce the words associated with these types of explicit content while still giving children protection. It also allows parents the ability to teach their own values around these issues. Parents may have differing values around what content they do not want their children to be exposed to. This may include different words, pictures, etc. Each parent is entitled to, and has the responsibility to teach their own values.
What are the kinds of things that are not modest that you might see in a book/magazine, or on the computer? (…also hear in music, etc.?) This is a great starting point to teach and develop family values around modest language and images. This is also a great time to add new things that come up that haven’t been previously discussed.
When have you seen or heard things that were not modest? (You can also break this out into several discussions by being specific: in books, in magazines, in music, on the TV, on the computer, on my smartphone, on your tablet, etc.)
What is the child doing in each situation? That’s right, they are telling their parents right away.
Older Children:
Tell me about what you’ve seen/heard recently at school that isn’t modest. Did you know that lots of times kids and even adults say or do things that aren’t modest to try and be funny or cool? Does that seem funny or cool to you? Why/Why not? It doesn’t to me because… (maybe add a time if you have laughed anyway to fit in, etc. and what you would choose now).
If you’ve taken the time to introduce the connection between the body and the soul inside on the last 2 pages, then these pages can continue that line of discussion. These pages address healthy sexuality at some of the deepest levels: our thoughts and words. It is important for us to convey to our children that healthy sexuality does not mean that we simply don’t look at pornography. It is not simply on the outside. Healthy sexuality is also found inside—what we dwell on, how we interact with others. Additionally, many of these questions are meant to be asked repeatedly. Weekly discussions of what children have heard is very important in keeping updated on their experiences away from you.
Have a discussion about modest thoughts: What are modest thoughts (adjust to the age of the child)? What are thoughts that are not modest?
When have you heard people use language that is not modest? (For a 2 year old you may be discussing potty-talk, for a teen you may be discussing what comes up in the locker room).
Everybody sometimes makes mistakes as they learn how to be better. When have you said things that weren’t modest? (Perhaps include an age-appropriate example of a time when you said something that wasn’t modest).
With an older child you could discuss how to recognize nuances about what would be healthy and not healthy when it comes to sexuality in what people say, or in their conversations.
With older children you can also have discussions about why thoughts are important. dwelling on (fantasizing about) things that are not modest.
— “A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts.”
This page addresses the healthy sexuality topics of body image and body appreciation, as well as introducing concepts of self-worth, and appreciation for different races, genders, ages, and abilities including special needs.
Discussion Questions:
How does your body look different or act different than others’ bodies? Does that make you better or worse than them? No! It just makes you different and that is wonderful! All of your bodies are still amazing even if they look different! Brown and blue eyes are both beautiful and both can see…that’s amazing! Round tummies and flat tummies both help bodies get nutrients…that’s amazing!
Ask them about their friends, how are they different, and discuss how that makes them wonderful. Add discussions of what things they love about those friends.
Did you know that your body is special and wonderful just because it IS? Just because it exists! Do you know why? Because it’s a gift from God! So all bodies are special, wonderful, and unique just by existing!
Extra Questions for Older Children:
What messages do you hear about the way bodies “should” look? What do people say is “attractive” or “ugly?” Do you think those things really matter? Why/Why not? What do you think does matter? (This is a great opportunity to link the body with the soul inside).
I highly recommend the organization Beauty Redefined. They have done phenomenal work on body image. In a TedEx talk of theirs, Dr. Lindsay Kite says this: “Girls and women aren’t only suffering because of the unattainable ways beauty is being defined, they’re suffering because they are being ‘defined by beauty.’ They are bodies first and people second. So, rather than working to ensure more women’s bodies are viewed as valuable, we are working to make sure women are valued as more than bodies to view. Our work is founded on the premise that positive body image isn’t believing your body looks good; it is believing your body IS good, regardless of how it looks.” I would add that boys and men also have acceptable and/or ideal images that should not define them either.
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